Dates from Hell

Met any of these frogs lately?

 

It’s been said that before a woman finds Prince Charming, she’ll have to kiss a lot of frogs. Here’s a list of a few ugly toads lurking in the rivers and ponds of the dating world.

How many have you met?

 

#10 Mr. Nice Guy

It’s true. Nice guys really do finish last, and by that, I mean “last place” on the list of men we like to spend time with. Mr. Nice Guy probably scores high on your mother’s list, but she’s not the one dating him, so ignore her when she sings this fellow’s praises. What Mama doesn’t understand is that a little niceness goes a long way, and Mr. Nice Guy is way, way, way too nice. He never complains about anything, never has any opinions (thereby never coming into conflict with anyone), and goes out of his way to be helpful and considerate. He’ll rush ahead of you to open every door, sweep every crumb from the table top, and brush the seat of your chair before you sit down. If you like something, he’ll give it to you. If you express the slightest discomfort, he’ll do everything within his power to fix whatever’s wrong and make it right for you. He might sound like a dream come true — at first. Trust me. After a few dates with Mr. Nice Guy, you’ll be tearing out your hair. His world may be a nice place to visit, but you sure as hell don’t want to live there! Get out…fast.

#9 It’s All About Me, Baby

This fellow has a lot to offer — at first glance. He’s good-looking, has all the right moves on the dance floor, and is a generous spender at the bar and at dinner. He’ll wine you and dine you, and there will be moments when you almost begin to enjoy yourself, but then he’ll open his mouth again and you’ll realize exactly why you’re having such a miserable time. He talks. A lot. All about himself. There’s no conversation taking place, just a dreadful, dreary monologue. He’s been there, he’s done that, and he’s not the least bit interested in anything you have to say. He doesn’t care where you’ve been or what you’ve done, and even if you share a few common interests with the fellow, he won’t shut up and stop talking about himself long enough to acknowledge the fact. Unless you want to spend the foreseeable future being bored to tears, steer clear of this fellow as soon as you see the warning signs. If he ignores what you say and launches into another tirade about himself, excuse yourself — and run!

 #8 The Whiner

Whatever happened to this poor guy must have been calamitous because whatever it was, it sucked all the life out of him. There’s nothing pleasant in his world. His truck breaks down every time he drives it, the food is horrible at every restaurant he eats at, and he’s never seen a movie he’s actually enjoyed. The band at the bar is too loud, the singer is off-key, and he doesn’t like that sort of music anyway. The room is too smoky, too crowded, or both, and the cover charge is  too high. To make matters worse, he’s had a miserable, rotten day. No kidding! Well, take my word for it, if you hang around with The Whiner, your days are going to be miserable too. Give him something else to whine about. Walk out on him.

#7 Buddy…and his Buddies

Friends are great, but not when they tag along on every date. Buddy can’t seem to shake free of his cohorts long enough to spend any quality time with you, so if you want to spend time with him, you’d better get used to being “one of the guys”. It might not be so bad, except that they’ve got all their “guy jokes” that don’t include you, and they talk about “guy things” that don’t interest you.  A date with Buddy…and his Buddies usually involves auto shows, motorcycle rallies, gun stores, and sporting events. Even if you do like those things, you’d better get used to liking them on your own because Buddy…and his Buddies will be busy doing their own thing. Hey, who asked you to come along anyway?

 #6 Oops! I’ll Pay You Back

Yeah, we all slip-up once in a while, and it’s really embarrassing to get caught short of cash. It happens. But with this jerk, it happens on a regular basis. He stops for gas and suddenly realizes he left his wallet at home. At dinner, the waitress brings the check and he suddenly remembers that the restaurant doesn’t accept credit cards. Darn the luck, but he forgot to pay the light bill, spent the money on something else, and could you please help him out, just this time. He’ll pay you back, and yeah, maybe he really will. But even if he does, do you really want to play banker for this irresponsible little boy?

#5 What? Me, worry?

His name might not be Alfred E. Neuman and he might never have read Mad Magazine, but his unconcerned attitude borders on insanity. Things will always work out right for him. He’s sure of it, so why get upset about it? Now, bear in mind, we’re not talking about little, inconsequential things. We’re talking about major issues. He’s got no job, but he’s not worried. He’s not looking, either. And with no job, he’s got no car, but he’s not worried about that either. He’ll just borrow yours, right? No job, no car, and he’s being evicted next week, but he’s sure not going to get upset over it. He can stay at your place, can’t he? He’s so convinced that you — or the next girl — will take care of him, he doesn’t have to worry about anything. Nope, he hasn’t got a worry in the world. He’s given them all to you. Throw them back…and throw him back, too.

 #4 The Fast-Talker

He makes dates, breaks dates, and somehow talks so smooth and so fast that it takes a while for you to realize that what he’s saying doesn’t add up. In other words, he’s lying to you, lady, but he’s glib enough and charming enough to make you want to believe every word coming out of his crooked little mouth. He stands you up on Friday night, calls Saturday to apologize and explains that his aunt suddenly passed away, and he even garners a bit of sympathy from you…until he screws up and uses the same excuse a couple weeks later. Oh, it was a different aunt! Yeah, right. Believe that at your own risk.

#3 Mr. Business

Every gal wants a successful, ambitious man, doesn’t she? He’s got it all. Good job. Nice office. Big check. He’s suave, sophisticated, intelligent, and well-mannered. Nice dresser, too. Expensive ties, designer shirts, tailored suits. And that car of his! Don’t you just love being seen on this man’s arm? Sure, but you don’t love the constant interruptions. Every five minutes his cell phone is ringing, he’s getting text messages from around the country, and as often as not he’s got to cut a date short because he’s got a catastrophe to deal with back at the office. He’s not kidding. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get through dinner before he’s called away. And what about those plans you had for the weekend? Sorry, he’s got to fly out to the home office on Friday. Maybe you can find a friend and use those concert tickets anyway.

 #2 Macho Man

Yep, we all know him. He apparently doesn’t remember your name, though. You’re either “woman”, “babe”,  or “sugar”, and you’d better come running when he calls. With a beer in one hand, food in the other, and a smile upon your face. Macho Man has a limited vocabulary, consisting mostly of short phrases such as “gimme another beer”, and “fix me a pizza.” To his credit, he works hard, and he thinks you’re really cute…as long as you do what he says and remember the rules: Him Tarzan. You Jane.  Yeah, it really is a jungle out there.

 #1 The Smotherer

This man is one sick puppy, but like all puppies, he’s so soft, so sweet, and so cuddly, and he looks at you with those adoring eyes, so how can you resist him?   Yeah, he wags his tail, too, and he probably even licks your … uh, hand. He follows you around wherever you go. You call, he comes running. Of course, he’s never more than a few feet away — if you manage to get that much distance between you. Usually he’s only inches away, always touching, always wanting to get closer. Hey, he loves you! He wants to hug you, and kiss you, and be sure to text him as soon as you get to work each morning, and call him when you go to lunch, OK? If you don’t check in with him every hour — at least — he goes into panic mode.  He watches you, too. A lot. He likes to watch you eat. He likes to watch you sleep. He watches you put on your make-up. He watches you even when you don’t know he’s watching you. He’ll drive by your house and your office. Just checking to make sure you got where you were going. He’ll show up at the laundromat while you’re washing your clothes, at the movies when you catch a matinee with your gal pals, and whenever you go out for drinks with the gang from work. Count on it. He’s everywhere. Worst of all, he’ll never go away. Not ever.

 ~ ~ ~ ~

Have a date from hell you’d like to add to the list?

Email Christina at KCChristinacole@yahoo.com

Subject: Dates from Hell

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